I want to break free.

As we stood there waiting in the garden for mother to leave so that we could go inside this afternoon, it hit me. Hard. I tried fighting my tears, as I didn’t want to feel like I needed attention. But still, they came. My man said he really wanted to know my thoughts and feelings, even after I said I don’t even want to think about them myself.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been free or felt free….”

Let me start by saying that in NO WAY I wish you to feel sorry for me – at all. All I want is to show you WHY I’m behaving in certain ways and why I desire the things that I do.

Aged 0-8: physically abused (yes, sexually as well) by “father”.

Aged 5: almost losing my baby brother to death.

Aged 7-13: mother had SEVERE anorexia nervosa which she would also apply on me. I would be terrified of her when I secretly ate something other than vegetables or bread when I wasn’t at home. Afraid she would find out somehow.

Aged 11-18: mentally abused by mum’s ex. Punished badly and rewarded with lies only.

Aged 20: Losing my then most loved little dog very unexpectedly, all of a sudden after she had her reproductive organs removed.

Aged 18-26: Even though it felt like a good, strong relationship, I now know that mother should have supported me into developing my own life, rather than allowing me to spend every MINUTE of my time with her.

Aged 23: almost losing mother to death. Severely twisted colon.

Aged 26, 2014: Finding my current boyfriend. Out of jealousy, mother tried everything she could to come inbetween my bf and me (even though it was HER who dated MANY men after leaving her last ex…!). It took us over a year to finally have my bf with me forever. In the very first years she would make me choose between my own fur babygirl whom I love more than anyone else and the one I fell in love with very badly (she would connvince me that my babygirl preferred staying at home than coming with me). We had to travel A LOT from his place cross country and back at my place every week (200km), where he wasn’t welcome for longer than a specific amount of time. This cost a lot of money and thus, combined with far too high electricity costs, my bf couldn’t afford paying rents anymore. He was kicked out of his place a few years ago.

2015: Bf and I went on our first holiday in a nearby country with his old, but strong car. After his car got stuck in the snow and we worked for HOURS to have it back on the road, I slipped and broke my ankle on 5 different places. I had to spend a few nights in hospital abroad after a long surgery. I was put in the hallway, because my man wouldn’t have been allowed to stay with me otherwise (men and women seporated….).

Mother INSISTED I needed her as well (I most definitely didnt), but she forced her way into having a friend of hers driving her to me. This meant my little girl had to stay with my selfish brother and my girl had NEVER been without BOTH me and mother….. It made me SO unhappy and mother FINALLY felt I didnt appreciate her presence, so she left the next day. She was VERY jealous of my bf taking care of me very well (why couldn’t she be happy?!), so upon returning home with an ambulance, mother literally expected my bf to be dropped off at the side of the BUSIEST MOTORWAY to be picked up by his father………. She wanted me for herself when I would return. She loves people depending on her…… This was my bf’s thank you………………..

2015: We had decided on getting married so that mother could literally not come in between us ever again. Some sort of security. Normally marriage to us would be unimportant, but now, now it would feel safer. This had to be done in Denmark, as it would only cost 70 euros. I could still not walk properly after breaking my ankle, but I told mother we would go on holiday for a few days, so that “I could finally do something after not being able to even walk for 6 weeks” (once again mother achieved confincing me “it was for the best to leave my girl with her”…).
However…. My man’s old car broke down once more after driving through a puddle that was simply too deep. It was irrepairable.
We had to be brought to the marriage council a few days later by a car saleswoman and after getting married, we had to take all of our stuff in garbage bags (no suitcases of course!) and returned home using buses and trains…..

Within three months of getting married we had to legalize this in our own country as well. Guess what? We were too scared of mother, so we never did it and it was all for nothing…

2018: We bought an old camper with money we didn’t have to escape living at my mother’s and my brother (selfish gamer until deep into the night. He’s moved now, though). We planned on living in it. The reason we couldn’t rent a house nearby, is because mother would threaten to take her own life if I were to leave her (in 2017, we declined a nice house, because of that very reason). The old camper, however, was too old to function as a little house and besides, every time we would spend a little while in it, mother somehow had a reason we had to return home (her bf used drugs and saw things that weren’t there and he somehow managed to convince mother to become crazy as well. ‘Til a point where they hid under the blankets of his bed and called me saying there was a fair chance they were gonna get killed soon. This was, once again, EXACTLY the night after we had started spending a few weeks in our camper).
So we continued living at mother’s and only used the camper to have lunch in and have a peaceful hour or so. We parked it either in front of our own house or with other campers somewhere else in this district, away from anybody’s house. However, people have admitted liking to bullying us previously (because we’re different) and they would also apply this onto our camper: they punctured tires, cut throught the charging wire (dangerous!) and in the end managed to have enforcers taking (read: stealing in broad daylight) our own little house on wheels. Yes, the bullies spent a lot of time looking for our camper for a few years and faking being bothered by it every single time, wherever they would find it.
The enforcers even faked rules by saying people who use it for their jobs, can have a camper. They promised us they treat everybody simlar, but we’ve used Google Maps and our own pictures to PROOVE a lot of campers have been parked here for LONGER. Much longer. Some even YEARS longer. Their answer would be: “Yea, well, we’re not talking about those huh” or “we can’t proove how long they’ve been parked there” etc…. Yep.

2019: My bf’s family decided I ruined their son/sibling, so they stopped loving him.

2019: My mother’s bf got a psychosis

2020: In summer, we were not being given a house we wanted to rent VERY badly. The house was PERFECT. It was situated nearby nature and it was a quiet neighbourhood. Our old camper would have been ALLOWED IN OUR LARGE GARDEN.
I was the first in the row. Papers were arranged and we were asked how we wanted the garden (shed or no shed etc). Everyone agreed that we could have the house…. apart from a woman who didn’t trust us literally only because we are not good at making phone calls. Yes. I’ve recorded everything. She said I don’t like calling them cos I’ve got something to hide….. Then she assumed that I wouldn’t ever contact them if there was something wrong in our house, she literally assumed this cos I’m shy and don’t do phone calls, that we’re evil and annoying to the neighbors, since we can’t work…… We were gutted. I cried my eyes out. A perfect little house with a huge garden next to the woods…. Gone forever…. And not much chance on another house now that there are very few houses on the market. Plus I would have to apply for it ALONE, since no one would want someone with a renting history of that of my bf (mind you, renting a house is CHEAPER than living here, so we would easily be able to afford it, but no one wants to hear that).

2020: Corona. This and built up hate for humans caused us to suffer BADLY from germophobia. It limited us HORRIBLY. We had and still have rituals and routines. Our dayly morning walks where we took the car, got longer and longer to avoid being at mum’s, but it became harder and harder to sustain, as we didn’t want to bump into other people, couldn’t go to busy places anymore etc.

2021: We lost our babygirl in the worst way imaginable and VERY sudden. I don’t expect anyone who hasn’t lost a very important person to understand, but I GUARENTEE you, especially if youre HSP and VERY emphathic and if the person is as important as a parent’s child, that it’s the worst thing you’ll ever go through. She was MY girl. I will never have human children, but SHE was my baby…
This meant we got stuck in life more than ever. So bad, that we haven’t left mum’s doorstep (the place we tried to escape for so many years, remember…?) for over THREE YEARSnow, with two weekly exceptions where we get up at 4AM to walk our Fannar for about 10K, as an addition to his very short walks in the street….

We bought a little tent to be with our girl in mum’s garden, but we kept on living in it to avoid being inside with mother. However, this means putting up with A LOT OF noise 24/7: THREE motorways, the longest flat building in my country only a few meters behind the garden, VERY selfish loud neighbours who smoke A LOT in their garden and have visitors almost every day and since our garden is paved, it’s simply getting waaaay too hot now to be there with no shade…! Our Fannar’s heat regulation isn’t working properly, so he simply doesn’t know where to lay down and he prefers being near to us rather than go inside mum’s house…

2022: Since having a boyfriend and living a completely different life, I’ve been questioning my autism. I’ve been questioning my sanity, or more the absence of it. Yes I’m different, but was it caused by a specific condition or was it sort of formed by all that I’ve gone through in my life..? My own theory is that I’m damaged, but somehow the people around me wanted me to have a label. Of course it’s easier to have a black sheep in the family, to be able to point fingers to one “cause” and since I was the weird one (read: I wasn’t the only weird one, I simply never hide or pretend), that “cause” was me. But I knew something was wrong with HER, I’d just never thought about this condition. Borderline, autism, some sort of manipulating condition, but this..? I always believed that being narcisstic only meant to love yourself in an unhealthy way…
My man found some sort of survey which I decide to fill out. This confirms that my assumptions were right about her. My mother is a covert narcist. You can read about it in one of my previous blogs. I was both shocked an releaved to find out about this….

And just like today when it’s very hot we’re either sitting I the BURNING sun or STANDING in a small, dirty shed. The garden is filled not only with hot stones, but with flies as well, since mother let’s her dogs poo every morning in the garden. She removes it, but come on, it’s never COMPLETELY gone. The neighbors are CONSTANTLY very present. Our phones are shutting themselves down because they get too hot.. we’re just sitting there, waiting for life to pass, or to be honest, for life to end if this is it….

It’s been a while. People change. Often. You’re a different person every day. It’s been over two years since I worked on my blogs.